Darcy:
Lifeline Australia acknowledges the traditional Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander custodians of the land on which we are based, The Gadigal people of the Eora nation and all of the land across which the national network spans. We pay deep respect to Elders, past, present and emerging.
We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts and those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do.
Monwell:
Being resilient. Having that never-give-up attitude, learn from your mistakes, understand your mistakes, understand why it is, and you just keep moving on, positive stuff in your life.
Darcy:
Welcome to Holding on to Hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all of the stories shared of hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering; if you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 1311 14, text 0477 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for Lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.
Ruben:
Hello, and thank you for joining me. I'm Ruben, and I'm a volunteer telephone crisis supporter at Lifeline. I'm one of the voices you may hear if you call for support. At the age of 15, I lost my dear father to suicide. Ever since that fateful day, I always wished my father had the opportunity to talk to someone like me when he needed it the most. 13 years later, and four years into my journey with Lifeline, I'm now part of that opportunity. And this is why I'm so passionate about hosting this series. If you're not quite ready to talk, perhaps you'll find comfort by listening to the stories of people who have experienced the value of reaching out for help.
Today, we're honoured to have uncle Monwell with us, an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander man from battling personal hardships to becoming a talented musician. Uncle Monwell's journey is truly inspirational. Let's hear his heartfelt story of courage, hope and passion for change. Uncle Monwell has stared adversity in the face, battling with ADHD, PTSD, and self-harm during his formative years. Growing up in domestic violence, he learned firsthand the importance of resilience and compassion. Monwell experienced homelessness, struggled with substance abuse, gambling and suicide ideation. Through sheer determination and a wheel to heal, he forged a path towards recovery and self-discovery. He has devoted himself to supporting others, contributing to the National Indigenous cadetship programme and disability support.
Hi, Monwell. Thank you so much for joining me and the Holding on to Hope podcast. You are a proud Torres Strait Islander man. Please explain your ancestral ties and a bit about the country you grew up in.
Monwell:
Well, firstly, I was born in Townsville. I'm in Bindal country. My parents come from the Torres Straits, my blood ties is with Mabuiag, Gebar, and Tudu, and those are the main islands where my family generated from, which are the western and central islands and the tourist rates.
Ruben:
I'd like to invite you to share whatever you feel comfortable in doing so about your upbringing.
Monwell:
Born in Townsville. Dad was a railway worker, mum was a housewife. Seven kids, I was third last, small house. It was exciting times. Being a kid, you know, we used to go and play cricket on the road. Rugby in the yard. We always explored guppies, tadpoles when it rained. Yeah, it was good time.
Ruben:
Throughout your journey, you have struggled with ADHD, PTSD and self-harm. What were the kinds of thoughts and feelings that you experienced during that time?
Monwell:
With the ADHD in small, being misunderstood as a child. Because back in the day, parents didn't understand, and probably society didn't understand how ADHD was. It's sort of labelled now. But it's a real thing. It was just tough to stay focused on one thing. I got the cane from grade six to grade 12. Yeah, it's been tough.
Ruben:
How did that make you feel?
Monwell:
Helpless. I'd be the clown class because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to make school fun. Yeah, it was good in sports. But when I got the cane at school, when I went home, like in primary school days, I used to get it on top from my dad. Going through ADHD as an adult, I sort of looked back, and I understand how my journey was and researched ADHD. Some of the symptoms there was all me. I saw a part of me there. When I finally understood it, it made me more at peace myself. It made me sit back, and I saw how I'd react to things. And how I got really angry, sort of calm myself. When I get angry, I sort of push myself, my anger, I suppress my anger.
Ruben:
Are you able to share about what you struggled with when it came to PTSD and self-harm?
Monwell:
So with PTSD, when my father would beat and discipline me, it was a really tough time. As soon as Dad got out of the room, I would punch myself in the head. And then I'd walk to school, feeling the lumps on my head. I just stood in the mirror. So PTSD has been around all my life, and I've suppressed it with alcohol. I was caring for a young Aboriginal boy non-verbal for nearly two years in his wheelchair. I told him, "You know, I've done my best, did all I could". I wheeled him out of the room because I said, "You're leaving us." So when I wheeled him out of the room, I went to go back into the room to get his stuff. And when I came out, because he was non-verbal, he had tears running down his cheeks. Two days after, he passed away. PTSD is real. You can get caught up with that.
Ruben:
Growing up in an environment of domestic violence, Monwell, how did this affect you and your relationship with others?
Monwell:
Mum copped a lot, like back in the 70s and in the 80s. It was like the thing. Like everyone went through domestic violence. With Dad coming home from the railway, he would come home, sometimes drunk; Dad took that out on Mum. All the siblings were affected in a way, but hearing Mum cry as an eight, nine, and 10-year-old is not nice, and it brings fear into the house. And everyone's just, we're just scared. I tried running away, but my brothers ran away. I've always grew up with my auntie, my uncle, because it's the sort of safe place that was there for us.
Ruben:
Your journey includes experiences of homelessness, substance abuse, gambling and suicidal ideation. What pivotal moments or realisations motivated you to start your path towards recovery?
Monwell:
Yeah, homelessness was a challenge I faced. I went to my brothers, and I went to live with a mate who had a couch smaller than me. I ended up going to Centennial Lodge, which is run by the Salvation Army, Men's Ozcare, and Mission Australia; I didn't care much for myself. I was just a lost soul. So I was amongst the same type of people. But while I was in Ozcare, I sort of started to really turning to me, how I was as a person. Looking, I sort of found answers to why I am the way I am. And the why for being a gambler and an alcoholic. Well, I would sip alcohol as a child. When I got to high school, I tasted more, and I used alcohol to suppress my youth. I was a gambler for 20 years on the poker machines. And that was my reason for being homeless — was gambling because you need money for everything. So there was a Uniting Care counsellor who came in at Ozcare, and that was a start. I realised I needed help fix myself.
Ruben:
Are you able to share a bit about your experience with suicide?
Monwell:
Once I gamble, no money, that's when the low hits. And so I got a unit for myself and started gambling again. So once I have no money, out people play pokies when they put one dollar coins in. I was putting five cents in the machine at the Coles checkout. I was putting five cents in to get noodles and 75 cents for noodles. Around that time, I lived on the third floor. Every time I walked up, I'd look down; I just wanted to jump off. And that became every fortnight because that's when it happens. Because there are times when depression just close the blinds and just this dark room. I was standing in front of the mirror and just punishing myself, calling myself, like just putting myself down.
Ruben:
What was the first step in getting help for the issues you were struggling with?
Monwell:
I went to see a counsellor. They gave me tools. One of the tools was to pick the happiest time in your life and then attach that to a depressive memory. And it did work. That song, Toto's Africa? Every time I hear that song, it took me back to when I was a kid. The song always reminded me where I was. I was there asking questions, and they gave me answers and stuff like when you drink, you have your ups and you come back down. Same with gambling, you got ups and downs. Payday's your up, and understanding all that, and then stopping there. You realise once you get out of that, the ups and downs, it's all smooth, like an awakening. You stop living, but you start living, you know.
Darcy:
We hope you're enjoying this episode. Lifeline's new Support Toolkit makes it easier to care for family, friends and loved ones and look after yourself along the way. Visit us at toolkit.lifeline.org.au. Now, back to the episode.
Ruben:
What self-care practices prove to be beneficial for you, and how did they impact your overall wellbeing?
Monwell:
I'm just going to go back to my father's deathbed. In 1997, he asked for forgiveness. I said I forgave him, but down the track because we're only a few generations from slavery. Part of my history is selling young and blackbirding. So, I ended up forgiving my dad just last year because I know the things he would have gone through as a child. Just a few generations from a slave. Yeah, I sort of understood. Forgiving him healed me. I really forgive him. Because you know, when you carry something like a weight that was on my chest, I had to get that off my chest. And then from there, I started to love myself. Just having mindfulness and being conscious of where you are now in the present is very powerful. Because once you understand everything that goes around you, then most of the noise in your head, sort of stops.
Ruben:
How do you maintain hope during difficult times and inspire hope and others around you?
Monwell:
I choose now what I keep. I will have noise in my mind, things like negative stuff, you end up hoarding your mind with different, this gets busy. When you keep those memories, they're all attached to emotions. I learn to throw away the bad memories that were linked to like strong emotions, like anger, hate towards other people. Just like I'm hoarding, like unpacking out, just like the house, just like a room. You need to throw away the things, like I learned to throw away the things that I don't need, that will suppress me as a form of mindfulness. I sort of learn how to throw stuff that I don't want to use or hold. And that's something people struggle with, or they don't understand. No, you can hear a conversation and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you know, it's just something that they don't need or that they're not avoiding. Being resilient and having a never-give-up attitude. Learn from your mistakes, understand your mistakes, understand why it is, and you just keep moving on, like putting positive stuff in your life.
Ruben:
You dedicate so much of your time to supporting others and really paving the way for those in need, Monwell. Can you please talk us through the work that you're doing in the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander community and your involvement in anti-gambling organisations?
Monwell:
Through my gambling counsellor, she invited me to Cairns for one of her little gambling talks through networking around a community. Invited was a group called Three Sides of a Coin, which is based in Melbourne. They're like a theatre company, but they're actually not actors. So, there are people with life experience through gambling. When I sang my song Poker Machine Blues, I wrote back in 2010. Yeah, they heard the song, and they loved the song, and they wanted to incorporate the song into their style of advocacy for gambling. Yeah, so when I went back home, I saw people are gambling on their phones now. So I told them my story. And I can see just by looking at who goes to the shop, the one on the pokies is on their phones, because they are they have a full trolley because everything's expensive up in the Torres Strait. So gambling, and it's, you know, it's whispers through community, everyone knows everyone's business in a small community. Phone gambling is the next level. My vision now is to be doing advocacy work in helping others overcome their pokie addiction because when I come back to Cairns, I see the same people that were sitting next to me. They are still walking like zombies. I use the term zombie because 'you zombie, you're zoned out'.
Ruben:
Becoming a dedicated carer to your mother on Moa Island showcases your selflessness and nurturing spirit. How has this caregiving role impacted your life? And what have you learned from this experience?
Monwell:
Well, giving care back to Mum goes back to the days when we were growing as kids when Mum was going through domestic violence, you know, she was there for us. She was a rock. And then it's only right that you repay that to mum. She has a caring side of the family. Mum and Dad's family has a caring side. Caring comes like natural, being a strong, connected family. I've been caring for Mum for two years. But now, I can't care for her because she no longer can shower herself. So my sisters and my nieces do that now. I've got a lot of empathy and care for people regardless of their race.
Ruben:
How has music played a role in your healing process and in spreading your message of courage and hope to others?
Monwell:
Once I knew how to songwrite, I always had a guitar from the day it was given to me. I use songwriting to express myself. My songs are like my journal through my life. I know where I've been, I know what I've done. I know how I wrote the song is how I express myself is through songs, through the guitar. It's always been with me. I don't think I'd live without a guitar.
Ruben:
I would like to invite you to share with the audience Monwell, one of your powerful pieces of poetry or lyrics to do that in any way shape or form you'd like to.
Monwell:
There's two songs that stand out. Cruel homelessness. One is called One Day. It's about not giving up on yourself and people not giving up on you. I'll do the second verse.
If the fight is willing, battle hard, seek for redemption
Release the tension inflicted by your past, reignite the light in you.
Reach for that second wind that will carry you through
Because we are all drops in the ocean. And together, we make waves
So don't give up on me, my friend.
I'll come good, I'll come good, one day.
The other one was:
Living out of a suitcase, staring at four walls
Not sure what the future holds. I'm hanging on to her
Gotta find the answers. Why I'm meant to be
Living in and out of consciousness is not surely helping me
Another bad decision, corrupting my intentions
Making the same mistakes all over again is not in my true nature
But I have to find its cure. My heart is sincere, but my actions overrule.
Ruben:
Thank you so much, Monwell. We really do thank you for being on the podcast and sharing your story and even some of your lyrics. And thank you again, Monwell.
Monwell:
Thank you.
Darcy:
Thanks for listening to Holding on to Hope, the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all holding on to hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others. Your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle. Visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au today